To Be a Father
by Gdown94
Summary: He knew that his treatment was harsh, but it was better than the alternative.  He would not let his pride ruin another child's life.  K  due to very slight language.
1. To Be a Father main story

TO BE A FATHER

Tigress crouched, preparing to run the course in the training hall for the first time today. Master Shifu always came to observe them at this time, giving advice to hone his students' skills. As she finally settled into her stance, the word "Go" rang in her head. She was already at the Seven Swinging Clubs of Instant Oblivion by the time Shifu finished.

Tigress flew through the course with near perfection, demonstrating a level of mastery rarely seen among the five. Of the Swinging Clubs, nothing was left. The Gauntlet of Wooden Warriors faced a similar fate. Tigress even managed to progress through the Seven Talon Rings and the Field of Fiery Death better than either Monkey or Viper, respectively. No one, save perhaps Shifu and Oogway themselves, could have done as well. As Tigress stepped out of the Field of Fiery Death, she looked over her shoulder to see a veritably stunned group.

The five were speechless for a moment, then Po broke the silence by suddenly exclaiming "That. Was. AWESOME!" As the group began congratulating her, Tigress looked back at Master Shifu, searching his eyes for a sense of approval. There was a slight softening of his features, but that was no longer uncommon. Since he had found 'inner peace', his expression had become a little less tense, as if a great burden had left him. Tigress searched harder, a faint hope stirring in her chest as she noticed the corners of his mouth quivering slightly. Shifu opened his mouth, and as he did Tigress' mouth opened slightly, a hungry look in her eyes.

"Monkey, you're up next."

Tigress' face instantly turned to stone. How could she be so foolish? Had she done something wrong, perhaps evaded one of the Wooden Warriors and took out the other when she could have dispatched both? Why did she build up a wall of hope yet again, only to see it shatter like a pane of glass? Of course it would never come. She had deceived herself into thinking that Shifu would recognize her, tell her that he's proud, give her a taste of what she had never had, and probably didn't deserve. Now she was forced to bitterly agree with lord Shen:

_Wounds heal, but scars remain forever._

Shifu wouldn't, couldn't open up. How could he express a feeling that wasn't there? She was his student, and he must maintain discipline.

Tigress silently moved to the wall of the training hall, behind the group. Watching Monkey's progress without seeing, she went back over her run, thinking of ways she could improve. Before she knew it, Shifu and the others began to walk outside. Tigress approached the door, planning out her next sparring match in her head.

Later that night, as Shifu walked through down the hall containing his students' rooms, he heard a faint pounding coming from the training grounds. He felt a slight sense of pride, immediately followed by concern; Tigress was a skilled and dedicated warrior, but sometimes he felt she trained too hard, too often. Shifu had dismissed his students over two hours ago; in fact, most of them were in their rooms now.

Of course, Shifu noticed that she seemed a little less tense since Po's arrival; for that he was happier than she would ever know. However, her dedication was beginning to border on being unhealthy. Or perhaps it had always been as such – maybe he was simply just beginning to notice it.

Looking through the paper walls, Shifu checked on his students one by one. Crane was practicing his calligraphy, to which Shifu had to admit he possessed an extraordinary talent. Mantis was practicing his acupuncture; a highly beneficial pastime, considering the small master often fought using nerve strike techniques. Viper appeared to be taking stock of her apparel; Shifu knew she was growing restless and would soon make another trip down to the villiage. Monkey was either meditating or sleeping; hopefully the former. Po wasn't in his room, but Shifu knew he would be preparing dinner at this time. Finally, Tigress was out training.

As Shifu walked by Tigress' room, he noticed the door was open. Curious, he stopped at her door and looked in and was somewhat shocked by what he saw. The normally pristine room was in comparative disarray. Loose papers were all over her bed, which itself looked as though it had never been made – although Shifu himself had seen it as such earlier that day. Worried, he stepped into her room. For some reason, a particular piece of paper caught his attention. He limped over to the bed and picked the sheet up, noticing the smudged ink and jerky calligraphy, as though the writer had been in pain. As he scanned the writing, he realized that this was a poem – a poem by Tigress. Now he truly was worried; Tigress had never before expressed an attraction to the art, and often seemed to disdain the fine arts. Knowing it wasn't his place to invade his privacy, he began to set the paper down.

Curiosity got the better of him. As Shifu examined the poem in closer detail, he noticed that it had no title. He had always known that Tigress bottled up her emotions. She had never divulged her thoughts to anyone, as far as he knew. There was no way he was walking away from this opportunity.

Again, the jerky script of the poem worried him. _What's wrong? _

Cautiously, he began to read the poem.

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
>I Will not let myself cause my heart so much misery<br>I will not break the way you did  
>You fell so hard<br>I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far_

Shifu, extremely concerned now, wondered who she is referring to. A faint sense of unease began to cloy at him from the darkness.

I lose my way  
>And it's not too long before you point it out<br>I cannot cry  
>Because I know that's weakness in your eyes<br>I'm forced to fake, to hide behind a guise.

_All I ever did I did to make you proud  
>My heart can't possibly break<br>When it wasn't even whole to start with_

Realization began to dawn on him, and with it a sense of shock and horror. Shifu unconsciously ground the butt of Oogway's staff into the floor.

I watched you die  
>I heard you cry<br>Every night in your sleep  
>I was so young<br>I tried to help, to make you happy

_but was never good enough  
>You never thought of anyone else<br>You just saw your pain  
>And now I cry<br>In the middle of the night  
>For the same damn thing<em>

The words were like blows.

Because of you  
>I'll never stray too far from the pathway<br>Because of you  
>I learned to stay on the safe side<br>So I don't get hurt  
>Because of you<br>I tried my hardest just to forget everything  
>Because of you<br>I don't know how to let anyone else in  
>Because of you<br>I'm ashamed of my life, because it's empty  
>Because of you<br>I am afraid

Shifu stood silently for a few moments, a slight haze over his vision. _I protected her. I couldn't allow her to become a monster. She feared that more than anything. _

He remembered seeing her for the first time in the Bao Gu Orphanage, the anger inscribed on her face, belying a deep pain and fear. He also remembered her uncontrolled strength, and the hate it caused her to direct at herself. She needed instruction.

_She needed help._ Suddenly, a flood of memories were thrust upon him.

_He saw her training, a look of pride and happiness on her face as she correctly executed her new move on the Adversary. His resolve almost melted when she looked at him, beaming much the same way Tai Lung had. No. He can't do this again, to her, to himself. As he walked to retrieve the Adversary, he never noticed how her expression deflated to pain and confusion._

_Suddenly, he was in her room, Tigress laying on her bed with bandaged and bleeding paws. "That was a foolish thing to do, Tigress," he had said. She had been punching the ironwood trees by the palace entrance. He felt her pain, and a profound sense of worry. What would drive her to do such a thing? Tigress didn't reply, but rather turned her head and looked at the wall, wincing at his words. He instantly regretted speaking them, but never showed it. He had to remain stern._

_Shifu looked around again as he was carried off to the courtyard in the palace. He was standing next to Oogway, observing Tigress demonstrate her ability to the old grandmaster. Today was the day she would become master of Tiger style Kung Fu. She flowed from one form to the next, demonstrating discipline and perfection he had come to expect from her. _

"_You have taught your student well," said the old turtle. "You should be proud. You are proud, aren't you?"_

"_Of course, master Oogway." And he meant it. The last time he felt that way was when presented... when he..._

_He soon wiped the emotion from his mind. Of course he was proud; what teacher wouldn't be?_

"_What do you think, master?"_

_Oogway sighed. "A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, Shifu, nor a garden without love."_

"_What do you mean, master?"_

_Again Oogway sighed. "Perhaps I am just rambling. I am getting old, after all." He said in his usual jovial manner. "Your student was taught well. She has earned the title of Master."_

_Tigress finished and bowed to Master Oogway and himself. "Thank you for the demonstration, Master Tigress." Tigress flinched in excitement at the title. As she stood up, she looked at him, warily hopeful. He started to smile. No. He can't break now. He can't fail her like that. He can't..._

He knew that his treatment was harsh, but it was better than the alternative. He would not let his pride ruin another child's life. He forced himself to ignore her pain, out of love. Of course, it was out of love. He had always loved her: always. _Haven't I told her?_ He racked his mind for a memory, but he couldn't find one.

_What have I done?_

_Nothing that can't be fixed..._ stated an eerily familiar voice.

At that moment Shifu heard someone padding down the hallway. It took him a second to realize that the pounding coming from outdoors had ceased. He rose to his feet. When had he fallen to one knee?

When he looked up Tigress was standing in the doorway with a look of shock on her face. Shifu wasn't afraid – Tigress may become angry but she would never lash out at him. Instead he felt shame. A profound shame. It only deepened when he saw the bleeding gashes on her paws. He expected to see Tigress' countenance to slowly distort in anger, and what he feared more than anything: hate.

Neither happened. As Shifu looked at her, he saw fear, fear and...hope? It was the same hope he thought he saw in her earlier that day, a faint longing that came from a dream deferred, an unfulfilled longing. He tried to say something – wanted more than anything to say something...

"I trust your training went well?"

Tigress winced. Bowing in the traditional manner, she muttered "Of course, master."

Shifu nodded and walked out of the room. Before he got to the end of the hall he heard a loud crash. Even though he knew what had happened, he returned to Tigress' room.

Looking in, he saw that the dresser was laying on its side, a splintered dent in the side. Glass and clothes were everywhere. Tigress was sitting on her bed with her head in her paws. As Shifu approached, she looked up at him with the eyes of a caged animal. The hurt in her expression caused him physical pain. He looked into her eyes, searching for the hope that had so recently flared within. All he saw was darkness.

"Tigress, I'm... I..."

_Why can't I do this?_ Shifu wanted to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to apologize, to make amends, to try and heal her. He hated himself for his weakness, for his blindness.

"I..."

The words wouldn't come out.

Shifu's vision began to haze, and he soon realized that tears were threatening to fall. He looked at Tigress again, that inexorable hope beginning to battle its way out again. Shifu saw in her face not a warrior, but the cub he brought home from the Bao Gu orphanage.

He reached out to her, beginning to lose control, and hugged her.

"I'm proud of you." He felt a pair of arms wrap around him. He had failed at parenting twice now; he would never let it happen again. Somewhere in the distance he heard a familiar chuckle.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, there it is. This was my first fan fiction, although I am used to writing. I have to credit Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You" for the poem. I just edited it and took some creative liberties (quite a bit, actually). I originally intended this to be a song fic, but as you can see it didn't turn out that way. Oh well, I don't care much for song fics anyway. <strong>

** I would also like to credit Starlight River of Dreams for the story Daughter. This was my inspiriation for this story. I originally intended the story to end unhappily, so as to be a prelude of sorts to Daughter, but I changed my mind. I figure there's enough depression and sadness in the world already...**


	2. Deleted Scenes and Alternate Ending

**Here are some deleted scenes from my story, To Be a Father. They were just sitting there on my computer, so I decided to add them just for the heck of it. At the end is an alternate ending (actually the one I originally intended to put in). I hope you enjoy (and that I'm not ruining the story by adding this... Don't hesitate to tell me if it does. I'll gladly remove it.)**

* * *

><p>This was originally intended to be placed early on in the story, following the line "Before she knew it, Shifu and the others began to walk outside."<p>

_Tigress approached the door, feeling lighter than normal, more husk than a warrior. Again her weakness stared her in the face, throwing salt into wounds she thought had callused over. She now remembered why she let that part of her die out long ago, why she must again let it shrivel and turn to dust like an unwatered plant. It was a liability, a chink in her armor that she cannot allow._

_She began preparing for her sparring match._

* * *

><p>This scene was meant to be Shifu's last flashback, before Tigress arrived in his room. I had intended to place it after "He racked his mind for a memory, but he couldn't find one."<p>

As if guided by someone else, he entered another flashback.

_Shifu was walking down the hallway containing Tigress' room, as he was wont to do. His ear twitched as he heard a faint sobbing. Concerned, he approached Tigress' room. The sobbing become more noticeable as he did so. He opened the door and stepped into the room to see a clearly distraught Tigress curled up into a ball on her bed. _

"_Tigress?" _

_Nothing._

_Shifu walked to the edge of her bed, torn. It grieved him to see Tigress in this state. "What's wrong?"_

_Slowly, she sat up. Her eyes were red. Shifu waited. Hesitantly, she explained. She had had a crush on a local tiger, but was unable to work up the nerve to talk to him. The tiger had left town that morning. Shifu didn't know how to proceed; he was caught utterly off guard. _

"_It's... I..." _It's okay_, he had wanted to say. He wanted so strongly to tell her that she was important to him, that he loved her. But he did not, would not, could not. _

"_Come." He decided to teach her some new forms, to take her mind off her pain. In the end, that was the greatest kindness he was able to give._

Shifu watched, hating himself for every moment of weakness, every harsh comment, every instance where he didn't tell her he loved her. Now he truly saw; he had deceived himself into thinking that his actions were out of love, that he was protecting her from a fate filled with pain and darkness. He had been such a fool. His actions weren't out of love, but fear, a fear of failure, of pain, of loss. Now he saw that he had never been protecting her, but harming her in the worst way imaginable. She couldn't even walk away, for he was unknowingly leading her on. His discipline and focus fooled her into believing that her desires were just beyond her fingertips. If she only reached a little farther, tried a little harder...

But she could never reach it. No matter how much she practiced, no matter how hard she tried, no matter how many times she trained until the skin peeled off her knuckles and blood ran down her forearms, she was never good enough. And it was _his_ fault. She had done everything to deserve his praise and more, but couldn't give it. He had failed another child. He wasn't a father; he could never be a father. He didn't deserve to be a father.

* * *

><p>This is the ending I had originally planned. For reasons I already stated, I cut it. However, to those who are interested, here it is.<p>

When he looked up Tigress was standing in the doorway with a look of shock on her face. Shifu wasn't afraid – Tigress may become angry but she would never lash out at him. Instead he felt shame. A profound shame. It only deepened when he saw the bleeding gashes on her paws. He expected to see Tigress' countenance to slowly distort in anger, and what he feared more than anything: hate.

Neither happened. As Shifu looked at her, he saw fear, fear and...hope? It was the same hope he thought he saw in her earlier that day, a faint longing that came from a dream deferred, an unfulfilled longing. He tried to say something – wanted more than anything to say something...

"I trust your training went well?"

Tigress winced. Bowing in the traditional manner, she muttered "Of course, master."

Shifu nodded and walked out of the room. Before he got to the end of the hall he heard a loud crash. Even though he knew what had happened, he returned to Tigress' room.

Looking in, he saw that the dresser was laying on its side, a splintered dent in the side. Glass and clothes were everywhere. Tigress was sitting on her bed with her head in her paws. As Shifu approached, she looked up at him with the eyes of a caged animal. The hurt in her expression caused him physical pain. He looked into her eyes, searching for the hope that had so recently flared within. All he saw was darkness.

"Tigress, I'm... I..."

_Why can't I do this?_ Shifu wanted to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to apologize, to make amends, to try and heal her. He hated himself for his weakness, for his blindness.

"I..."

The words wouldn't come out.

A drop of water fell in front of him. It took him a second to realize that he was beginning to cry. Shifu's vision began to haze, and he soon realized that more tears were threatening to fall. He looked at Tigress again, that inexorable hope beginning to battle its way out again. Shifu saw in her face not a warrior, but the cub he brought home from the Bao Gu orphanage.

He turned and began to walk away, feeling a stronger hatred for himself than he had ever felt. Soon he was stepping out the door, making his way to the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom. He looked at the training hall, and felt something in his throat catch as he observed the specter of a juvenile Tigress running, a sense of sheer joy on her face. It was the first time she had been at the Jade palace. A stern red panda came up behind her. The mentor. The instructor. The one who had 'saved' her. The small panda cast her a disapproving look, an insignificant trifle that cut worse than daggers. Shifu saw her joy crumble, pain and confusion inscribed on her face.

Just then, a few peach blossoms, lazily drifting through the darkness, flew through the image, causing it to disperse. Shifu looked down as one landed by his feet. He fell to his knees.

And he cried.


End file.
